Vulnerability, Flow, and Self-Defense

I was incredibly scared to do this drill, our last of the weekend. There had been many technique session in the run-up to this culmination, where two men, two fighters, had been brought in to take turns simulating attacks on each of us. They would wear padded suits, and we were to put to use the skills we'd learned, no holds barred.

I'd spent years playing a contact sport, but it was never violent. I wasn't sure I'd know how to be violent. I worried I would cling. I worried I would freeze. I worried I would blow an ACL during the altercation. I worried, period.

A few minutes beforehand, I went outside to sit in the sun, hoping I might be able to soak up some of its power for myself. Several other retreat attendees wandered out, and we clustered together, quiet. Finally, one of the women said she wasn't sure she was going to be able to go through with it. I told her I was nervous, too. "You are?!" she replied. "I never would have expected that. For some reason that makes me feel…better."

I present big. I present fearless. And oftentimes I am. But no one is all the time. That's unreasonable, impossible, and frankly, fearless is not remotely the point, as instructor Jarrett Arthur (@trainwithjarrett) reiterated throughout the weekend. It's much more about what you do with your fear, figuring out how to channel it in useful ways. 

I relayed to the women I was with something we say often at @movementmn: "The first rep is the worst rep." As in, you aren't going to be great at something the first time through. You need practice to improve, and having the chance to practice these particular skills in a controlled environment before ever having to put them to use, god forbid, in a live situation, was a gift. I convinced her, and in that moment, I convinced myself, too.

Part of my service, part of what I can do to raise others, I also realized, is to reveal my own vulnerability. It's something that doesn't occur to me to talk about very often, but it's important to acknowledge it…and then move anyway.

#vulnerability #sohotrightnow #thisvideoismysoftside #iampowerretreat #austin

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